(You know how sometimes a huge coincidence happens that almost makes you believe there’s some higher power at work? Well, I received this text as I was posting the scan of the newspaper article. *Cue Twilight Zone theme*)
From: Marlene Hildebrandt
Sent: Tuesday, 23 October 2012 1:29:03 PM
I received a text claiming that I’ve won 950,000 GBP and in my excitement spat hot miso soup all over my cat. I’ve just returned from the vet and the visit cost me $160. They say his fur will grow back, but in the meantime he will have to suffer the indignation of having a massive bald spot on his back at such a young age. His fellow cats who he ordinarily plays with are already excluding him from the group, my guess is that he’s now not “cool” enough to associate with them anymore. And as for gaining the affection of any of the local lady cats, forget it! If I was a cat I wouldn’t want him as a mate. I would fear that our babies would grow with skin and fur deformations.
Because of all this I’m wondering if 950,000 is really going to compensate the pain and suffering poor Mr Meowy has to endure. I’ll make a deal with you – increase the prize to 1.5 million and you’ve got a deal.
From: Approval Department Of Diamond Lotto (email@example.com)
Sent: Tuesday, 23 October 2012 7:55:52 PM
To: Marlene Hildebrandt
Congratulations! You have been selected as one (1) of five (5) winners in this month’s Diamond International Mobile Lottery Promo Draw. Your mobile number as the 5th beneficiary in this draw was chosen at random by our Digital Random Processing Service (D.R.P.S). Therefore, you are entitled to the sum of £950,000.00 (Nine Hundred & Fifty Thousand British Pounds).
In view of the aforesaid; for your paperwork to be processed and for your payment to be effected, you are expected to provide the following information immediately:
1. FULL NAME:
3. MARITAL STATUS:
4. PHYSICAL ADDRESS/POSTAL ADDRESS:
7. PHONE NUMBERS:
8. FAX NUMBER:
9. REFERENCE NUMBER: DT92i
For security reasons, do not disclose your winning information to anyone for now pending when your prize money will be paid to you in full to avoid any unscrupulous activities. You have to strictly adhere to this instruction because we have had cases in the past were some of our winners complained of someone else claiming their prize.
Mr. Dickson Nel
International Claims Agent
Diamond International Mobile Lottery Promo
Office: +44 843 289 2624
From: Marlene Hildebrandt
Sent: Tuesday, 23 October 2012 8:13:47 PM
I’ve decided to take you up on your prize. Please be aware that I’m still not happy about what happened to poor Mr Meowy, but I managed to find an old toupe that sort of matched his fur and have glued it to his back. He seems much happier now, and keeps meowing loudly to let me know he loves it.
Here are my details:
FULL NAME: Marlene Jennifer Jason Leigh Hildebrandt
MARITAL STATUS: Widow 4 times over. (I swear it’s just a
PHYSICAL ADDRESS/POSTAL ADDRESS: GPO box 2176, Canberra, ACT 2601
NATIONALITY: Half Danish, half German, half Swedish
OCCUPATION: I make calendars with pictures of kittens in hats
PHONE NUMBERS: (02) 6249 6299
FAX NUMBER: What is this, the 1980s?
REFERENCE NUMBER: DT92i
I have converted the currency and worked out that the prize comes to AU$1,477,250.92. I would like to request this be delivered to me in 1,477,250 $1 coins, as I wish to fill my swimming pool with them instead of water so I can literally swim in my wealth. You can keep the 92 cents as a token of my appreciation.